Under a Red Roof

Guest Blogger G: “Rose Colored Glasses”

July 24, 2009 in Admiring, Being, Giving, Learning, Loving, Receiving, Thinking by Colleen | 2 comments

Mount Hood is always a good photo to play with

Colleen and I are often “accused” of having rose colored glasses on. It used to be something I felt guilty for, as if I didn’t have a grasp on reality. I now view this ‘trait’ as something to embrace since there are many events in life beyond my control. Sometimes the only thing I do have the ability to shape is my view. Colleen is fond of saying “I’m not driving this bus”, and I agree.

A shift in perspective can be a powerful thing. As I look back over the past year and a half, it has been a little bit of a roller coaster and I thought I would share some of my hospital reflecting…

Colleen’s Surgery

This was a fairly serious body change for Colleen and obviously at the forefront of our lives at the moment. With the amount of endometriosis, it is probably one of the more invasive hysterectomies that a person can have. (Actually, the hysterectomy was a small part of the procedure. Think trying to free up taffy growing inside you that has been twisting your organs for 20+ years.)

With glasses: I have a lot of hope that Colleen will feel a good sense of freedom from the abdominal issues that she has suffered with. After all, the whole point is of all this is to make things better than they are now. I’m hopeful she will enjoy her time in Colorado without having to worry about serious cramping and pain this September. From a “me” perspective, the event has been a great chance to be able to help someone I love who can’t help herself. It is a great gift to be able to make a difference in her recovery and feel that much closer to her.

Job Changing/Economic “crisis”

I have changed positions three times in the last year, gone from having a large chunk of vacation to having to fight to get a chance to help Colleen for a day or two, and taken a fairly significant financial hit.

With glasses:I now work for a functional company with people I enjoy being around. My commute is smaller. I am not making as much and not as able to save as much, but a good portion of the 401k savings went up in smoke anyway! My work is much more varied now and I really enjoy this variety. My boss and colleagues are pleasant and I feel a strong desire to truly help the company I work for grow and improve. I find myself very content and intrigued with the possibilities that the future holds.

It is certainly not always easy to find a positive perspective on perceived ‘bad’ situations but I have enjoyed the challenge and awareness that comes from the search.

I think I will put my glasses on now and rest near my lovely wife as she does some healing…

Tags: Endometriosis

Coming Soon…

July 17, 2009 in Being by Colleen | 4 comments

A new inner-scape…

Lots of rest…

Peace and beauty all around.

My surgery is on Tuesday. Please think good thoughts!

Love and kisses –

Colleen

Chirp, Drop, Eek, Love, Eat

June 23, 2009 in Being, Eating, Watching by Colleen | 2 comments

This is what kept today’s post on the back burner. I’ve never embedded a video before and needed a little help, though, thankfully, not as much as I thought. I am a college graduate, after all. I took this last Friday afternoon. I stood by the window for quite a while (though the video is only forty seconds), awed and delighted by the volume of the birdsong and the gentle patter of rain drops. Milo is pretty cute too, cleaning his little toes. The sight of it makes me so happy.

These are the twist ties used to bind the napkin and silverware at one of our favorite breakfast places, Broder. It is always fun to make things with them while in eager anticipation of the food to come. I’ve fashioned rings, hearts, single letters, waves, and Saturday, for the first time, words.

This is another one of my favorite sights, the hubster. I, rather sneakily, took this photo after taking the one above. Then it was time to eat: the Pytti Panni for Greg – I think I’m spelling it right. It is a yummy hash with bacon and pork and eggs over the top served with hearty walnut bread. I had an utterly creamy and delicious tart with mushrooms and Meunster cheese with a nice green salad and a potato pancake, though, as I have turned into a total creature of habit, I kind of wished I had gotten my usual breakfast board instead – smoked trout, grapefruit, yogurt, cheese, and rye crisp. There was coffee with cream too, of course, though decaf. I’ve got too much energy for caffeine. Seriously.

Mind Blowing Sanity

June 14, 2009 in Being, Quoting by Colleen | 3 comments

Sanity may be madness, but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be. ~ Don Quixote

I’ve been vacillating between various states of madness, excitement, and sadness these past days since my diagnosis. Madness that I am not actually insane, the pain I feel, and have felt, all these days and years is as real as the breath I am exhaling, the art on the walls, and the downy clouds in the sky.

Excitement that the pain angrily pulsing like Metallica in my abdomen will end soon. With it will come a genuine renaissance, me without the questions, wonderings, and worryings worn like the pages of an oft read letter. These thoughts, feelings, pokings and proddings will be replaced with a lightness in my body and an ease so staggeringly simple that I cannot quite fathom it at present.

And sadness. Sadness that the essential parts that make me a woman and a mother, of sorts, to the cats, plants, flowers, and bees, were all these years, utterly incapable of creating a human life. Despite the fact that I never wanted them to anyway.

Then, in this pattern, I come back to Quixote’s maddest of all and embrace my life just as it is, without shoulds. I love this pain that causes me to question all that I know. I love this pain that says it is okay to ask for help. I love this pain that makes my body writhe and jerk and laugh at the sight of itself. I love this pain that teaches me to hold closer those I love and let go of those I don’t or can’t.

Then, there is this – that my Creator had the vision and my young ears the hearing to heed the message: You shall not have children, nor an empty life but one full of laughter, friends, song, beautiful words, and love, love most of all.

My Junk is No Good

June 4, 2009 in Being, Learning by Colleen | 9 comments

I don’t really know where to begin with this post, as it is not a garden variety topic. It is kind of serious, a little bit sad, a little bit funny, and exciting too. I’m just going to jump right in.

The truth is, I have suffered, and quite silently, most of the time, from pretty excruciating menstrual pain for more years than I care to remember. If that weren’t bad enough, as I got older, the duration of the pain became increasingly longer and l o n g e r until I was in pain more days than not. The real coup de grace came about six months ago, however, as I entered a new and not so terrific permanent state of pain. Like Karl Malden and American Express, I never leave home without it, no matter how badly I would prefer otherwise. Sometimes it is bearable, and I can be my usual cheery and silly self. Other times, I swear I know what it feels like to be violently stabbed, have my flesh slowly pierced with hundreds of tiny nails, or to sit for hours on a railroad spike, no matter how many ibuprofen or glasses of whiskey I consume.

After more than ten years of small successes combined with big setbacks to combat the pain, I decided it was time to pull out the big guns to get to the heart of the problem (I can be a s l o w learner). An MRI was ordered, and I dutifully went this past Monday. The diagnosis I expected was endometriosis, what I got was far more grand. As my doctor said, “You hit the jackpot: fluid filled fallopian tubes (bilateral hydrosalpinges), hyper engorged ovaries (bilateral endometriomas), a faulty uterus (adenomyosis with a large adenomyoma), as well as pelvic adhesions (no fancy term needed). It’s no wonder you hurt so much. For most women, one of these can cause horrendous pain, and you’ve got them all.” Ouch indeed. For some reason, the first words out of my mouth in response were, “So my junk is no good?” A bit bewildered, she said, “Yeah, your junk is no good.”

After a good laugh at my word choice, followed by a few tears and a couple tissues, we got down to business. Without question, I will need surgery. This will happen some time in July, as my doctor is quite booked up at the moment. The parts I need most will be salvaged as best as they can, and I will come out of it a period-free, and, fingers crossed, pain-free woman. Those last bits are the exciting part.

Additionally, the irony of my bad junk is not lost on me, the woman who has never wanted children. Did I send or receive some sort of message as an eight-year-old? An interesting question, one for the ages.

Tags: Endometriosis