Under a Red Roof

Melancholy or Maybe Not

March 18, 2009 in Being, Feeling, Thinking by Colleen | 2 comments

Hello friends –

I hope your day is going well. It is a beautiful one here, sunny and warm enough to have the windows open, cats lying in various belly exposing prostrations. Very nice.

I wish my disposition were more like the weather, to be frank. I am a little melancholy thinking about yesterday – the one year anniversary of the completion of my novel, Polite Society. It is a bit strange to think that I finished it that long ago. The worst bit, and the one getting me down, is the fact that none of the many agents or publishers I submitted my work to has opened their doors to me, grabbed me by the shoulders in utter delight and said, “This is great! Let’s get it published!”

However, as I sit with this and wonder what it really means, what I really want, I’m not so sure. I finished a novel. I really did, one that makes me proud and giggly at the same time. That fact will never change. As for what I want, sometimes I think it is money. Other times, I think it is about having people read what I believe is a magical story.

Speaking to the money part, I have never made much, ever. Most of the time, I am okay with this. Other times, like today, I only look at myself in disappointment that I’m not contributing financially to our household. That being said, when I was working for a dollar, I wasn’t very happy, actually quite crabby, a little bitchy, and awfully whiny. Writing, however, I really like. I love the conversations in my head, the accumulation of words and ideas. Oh yes, I like it very much.

Why then, do I get so hung up on this? Being happy is much better than having a paycheck. Besides, how would having more money change my life, anyway? Greg and I already live comfortably. We spend wisely and have no debt besides our mortgage. We travel, watch movies, eat good food, give to charity. What else do I want?

For a while, I thought it was a house in the country, but have since realized that, social girl that I am, I would be a bit lonely. As for our house, maybe we would finally get our bathroom refinished. It is old and quite ugly. The carpet upstairs isn’t it the best shape, and the basement isn’t finished. So I guess I would like those things to be done, but I can’t say my quality of life would be drastically improved should this happen.

Now about people reading my work. That’s already been done by several friends and some strangers. (An aside here, my friend Maria did a great job of finding many, many typos here recently, some of which I had already corrected, many not. I am very grateful.) Anyway, everyone likes it, and I don’t believe any of them to be liars.

I guess the real problem is my silly head. The only time I feel upset is when I start comparing myself to other people or idealized versions of myself. In the grand scheme of things, I am the only one who can make me happy, ever. No amount of people reading my book, money, or success can change this, not one bit.

Oh goodness, finally, I am smiling. More money and a popular novel might make my bathroom look nice, take me on a book tour, and give me a slot on the New York Times best seller list, but it won’t give me what I already have: a wonderful marriage, a great home in a city that I love, good friends, cute and cuddly cats, the list goes on.

I think what is really on order is a bit of patience and some kindness toward myself. There is no rush here. If the doors open, I’ll be delighted. If not, I’ve already got it pretty good. Thanks for listening to me work it through.

13,780 Reasons to Sit In Wild Wonder

March 1, 2009 in Being, Thinking by Colleen | 1 comment

This past weekend, after contemplating it for some time, I asked the dear hubster to venture a guess as to how many days we’d been alive, independently or collectively. As is his custom when I ponder such notions, he smiled tenderly and said, “I have no idea.” We changed the subject without any further investigation, but the thought lingered in my mind. Then, thanks to my marvelous friend serendipity, the habit of being posted how many days she has graced the earth, along with the place I could complete the calculation for myself (and you too!).

In these times of enormous human populations and gigantic budget deficits, digits increasing seemingly exponentially, my number feels a little small, but when I think about it in terms of what it is – actually being alive – I become quite giddy. That is 13,780 days of living, breathing, loving, laughing and experiencing the joy that accompanies occupying this precious and sometimes mysterious skin.

The more I sit with it, the more the glory of my days shimmers and expands into a large and luminous ball glimmering on the horizon, energy that wants to spread sweetness and light everywhere it goes.

That is me. These are my days.

Just think:

Every single day has had a sunrise and a sunset. Every one! Oh goodness, I swoon at all the marvelous reds, pinks, purples, and blues that have filled the sky!

Every single night, there have been beautiful stars, even if they were obscured by clouds – Orion, the Pleadies, Castor and Pollux, Cassiopeia, and the rest of the heavenly assemblage.

Every single minute of every single hour, people have died and been born; some I have known; most I have not.

Just wonder:

How many gibbous moons, eyelash slivers, and full orbs of evening light?

How many steps, hops, skips, dashes, and leaps?

How many delicious meals, slices of pie?

How many kisses, hugs, and cuddles?

How many tears, sobs, and cries?

How many songs sung and heard?

I sit here, incredulous at all that has happened in my humble collection of days, all that I know, all I have yet to learn, all that I can only dream about. I ponder what lies just around the corner or on day 15,000 (July 4, 2012). No matter what, I am confident and rather sanguine about this marvelous gift, how lovely just to be alive!

Keep On Keepin’ On

January 12, 2009 in Being, Thinking by Colleen | 1 comment

I know, so cheesy for a title, but I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I used to believe that once I made it over a hurdle that was it. I was done. Then when I’d see that I was approaching that same hurdle for possibly the millionth time, I would get so bitchy, especially at myself, thinking I had grown beyond it, even though I hadn’t.

Now, with a hefty dose of forgiveness for not being the perfect being I would like and a lot of humor mixed in, I know that there are always going to be more hurdles. More writing, creating, destroying, befriending, letting go, more yoga sessions, more people I don’t like encroaching into my space.

The cool part, however, is that I now mostly accept that I am an ever-evolving human (this is a hurdle, too!). I can change my mind, my habits, and my jean size. If I approach life with an open heart and mind, it is all good, sweet, and wonderful, too. I don’t need to lament, lambast, or whine, but will when required. I can keep on keepin’ on. It’s such a good feeling!

Resolution

January 1, 2009 in Being by Colleen | 2 comments

I have but one resolution for 2009:

Allow life to flow freely through me as I live in the present moment.

Whether it is shy and contemplative…

Or full of passion…

It is my intention to greet whatever arises with love and acceptance before letting it go.

Peace, Love, Health, and Happiness in 2009!

The Everyday

December 22, 2008 in Being by Colleen | 1 comment

Hello Everyone! It’s been a while, my digital friends…

As you can see, our red roof is currently under a rather thick blanket of snow. Yikes! Save the times we’ve gone outside to shovel the walk and feed the animals, we haven’t left the house since Friday evening. Now that doesn’t really sound so terrible, but when you know you can’t get out, it makes it feel like it’s been even longer since you left. The mind plays funny tricks.

To pass the time, we’ve watched A LOT of Netflix, in particular, the ENTIRE first season of 30 Rock, plus a few episodes of the second season, and the movie Becoming Jane. We now feel pretty complete in those areas. Like there was ever really a problem. Again, the mind plays funny tricks.

I don’t know where I saw this, but I liked it and thought I would share it with you. The five things I do every day:

1. Drink my fiber drink (for those who don’t already know about this, it contains: fiber (think psyllium or inulin), Emergen-C powder, spirulina powder, acidophilus, homemade kombucha, and lemon flavored cod liver oil (most of us are Vitamin D deficient)). Digestive health is very important people, and besides, I think it tastes good!

2. Exercise. Also very important. I like to walk, but not in the snow drifts we have today, practice yoga, Nia dance (or just dance around the house like a crazy person), lift weights (not too heavy), and row on the machine in the basement.

3. Feed and/or watch the animals in our backyard “habitat.” That’s me this morning. I am sharing stale corn chips with my peeps. I am wearing my hubby’s overcoat, my new nightgown from my parents (thanks!), rubber boots, and my green hat. The hat rarely leaves my head these days.

4. I like to make good food. I like simple ingredients done well. I am not terribly fancy.

5. Love my life. I can’t imagine a better one. I have an amazing husband, healthy, happy, and fun friends and family, cute kitties, a lovely home…the list goes on. It is all very sparkly, just like a holiday (that’s a quotation from Rain Man film fans).