Being

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My dear friend Bridget came home yesterday, after a two week vacation in California.  As we are movie buddies, hitting the Academy Theater together about every other week, I was itching to go.  Luckily, there was something we wanted to see, after a very unfortunate dry spell of lack-luster summer movies.

Since her house is on the way to the theater, I always drive, and so, I began to follow my usual route.  It was an awfully hot day for Portlanders, 101 degrees, which I think changed the physics of the neighborhood somehow, or maybe it was just the music.   I was playing a beautiful Andrew Bird song called Yawny at the Apocalypse, and felt, well, different, dreamy.  Darkness was coming on quickly, yet the notes of the song seemed to prolong those last minutes of twilight, and I was acutely aware of all that was happening around me.

The handsome grey-haired man riding his bicycle, back light blinking to the beat of my heart.  The sound of the Mini passing the myriad parked cars.  The old man, back bent, eager to keep pace with his little dog.  More cyclists riding silently, almost floating down 52nd.  The world was slow and hot – the impending darkness bringing no relief from the fiery day.  I arrived at Bridget’s and realized that the strange light from the heat made everything appear slightly blurred and soft – beautiful.  It was idyllic and magical and lovely.  We drove on, enjoying each other’s company after our long absence, eager to sit in a cool theater and enter another world.

The world we entered, that of The Fall, was a perfect match for the evening.  It was an epic and surreal tale of how broken people become whole again – through story telling, friendship, and ultimately love.  The cinematography was exquisitely beautiful – vibrant colors and intimate camera angles, painting a portrait that will reside in me for a long, long time.  The cherry on top of a perfectly hot day.

 

I was lying on the sofa, reading, when I glanced up at the light.  Ugh, it’s got dead bugs in it, I thought rather loudly to myself.  As I stared at their little dead bodies, I lamented the sometimes insidious nature of insects, and how they often create work for me.  Like how, now that I’ve noticed them, I’ll have to go through the hassle of getting the step ladder, carefully removing the fixture, and cleaning it all up – definitely not on the top ten list of cherished activities (though what is?  hmmm…).

Then, as I continued gazing at the light, I wondered, how do the little critters get in there anyway?  Though you can barely see them in the photo, they only appear to be specks, they seem too large to have crawled in through a hole.  Yet, there they are.

This got me thinking some more about how tiny, often imperceptible, holes in my being act as an entry point on a spiritual and emotional level.  I thought about people and events that I don’t like, and how little bits of them squeeze their way through a perforation in my shell and infest my mind with angry and unkind thoughts.  I really hate it when that happens, especially when I know how much lovelier life is when I’m not tumbling down to the lower depths.

Then, as grace would have it, I also thought about those same holes, and how the most wonderful and generous gifts enter through them: a smile when I least expect it, a kind word, the light in the hallway, the sight of my husband, a million different instances that spread like the light of dawn in my heart. 

Suddenly I felt tears prick at my eyes, and I looked at the bugs again but this time with gratitude.  Thank you for bringing this bit of grace into my life.

Before fear, I rode headlong into life,

Full of joy and wonder,

Summer blonde hair whipping wildly in the breeze.

Before fear, my feet were bare,

Burning on the hot summer pavement,

Brown with dirt and sun.

Before fear, I leaped and jumped,

Legs straining, stretching to make my mark,

With vitality and energy.

Before fear, my laughter was everywhere,

Ringing in the air,

Singing in my heart.

Before fear, I was always myself,

Not wondering who or what to be.

What will this crowd think of me?

Before fear, I did not think of it,

I just was,

Every moment of every day.

Now as I return, I move with hope as I pray.

Colleen Sohn

 

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What does having it all look like in your world?  Another thoughtful question via Superhero.

I took this picture when we were staying at my grandparents house in Denver.  I had this awful zit on my forehead, so I grabbed the ointment from my bag to put on it and was positively delighted when I saw the heart.  I ran back to the bedroom to show Gregory, and we were both so awed that there was this heart we made together, without even realizing it.  How long had it been there?

So to answer the question, I think having it all would look like absolute presence – knowing from moment to moment that I am creating hearts, seeing them, feeling them, loving all that they are.  Because, deep down, I know that in every moment, I already have it all, otherwise I would have more.

 

Via Superhero Journal – What can you let go of in order to manifest that good thing in your life?

Having to understand everything.  Holy frijoles!  I become so incredibly bogged down by believing I need to have the answers.  Why must I know why something is happening instead of just observing that it is?   Why am I sick or healthy?  Why do I feel depressed or happy or angry or silly? 

Sure, it is nice to be aware and understand myself as a person, but sometimes it is so crippling that it prevents me from truly enjoying myself and actually living in the moment.  After all, this moment is the only one that is mine to experience, and then it’s gone. 

I can let go of needing to know the answers.  I can just be.  It feels good to see it in print. 

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