Feeling

You are currently browsing the archive for the Feeling category.

Where in your life can you invest in yourself and in your dreams?  Another great question from Andrea at Superhero Journal

I tried for a lot of years to find a job that made me happy – sales person, baker, home repair specialist, and finally teacher.  By far, I invested the majority of my time and money into teaching.  Getting certified in Colorado, re-certified in Oregon, countless job applications and rejections, many, many rinky-dink almost teaching jobs, and finally, a couple of honest-to-goodness, teaching jobs.  Halleluia!  I am a TEACHER.  Then three things happened that convinced me otherwise.

One.  I was at a bookstore with a friend, giving the low-down on some novels that I had read.  She said, “You know, you’re so good at looking at the nitty-gritty in books.  You should write one.”  “What?  What would I write about?  I’m a teacher.”  End of conversation, but only the beginning of me thinking about it.

Two. I met a writer at a party.  I told him that I taught a writing class, and he asked me what I wrote.  “Um, nothing.  I’m a teacher.”  “Well, I think you should write.”  “But we’ve only just met.”  “It doesn’t matter.  I can tell.”  Story ideas started to bubble to the surface at this point, and I cautiously wrote them down, wondering, “What am I doing?”

Three.  While there were many aspects of teaching I liked, there were more that I didn’t.  I didn’t enjoy feeling like I had to use a certain book or assignment to fit in with others.  I didn’t like grading for hours on end.  I didn’t like driving to school every day.  And finally, I didn’t like that I would spend much time and effort workshopping with students on drafts to have nothing happen.  So, after reading what what felt like the millionth final paper on which the student not only ignored all of my helpful advice on reorganization, but failed to even correct spelling errors, I broke down.  I wondered how many more papers like this I could grade before I killed someone, or went crazy, or started to believe that it is proper to write anyways or there house is blue, or I ran threw the field.

So, I quit.  Just when I was really building a student following at the college, was well liked by the staff and my colleagues, and actually making money.  Because, dear readers, I have never made much money.  Nope, not me.  But I knew it was silly to value it over my happiness. 

I am delighted to say that I invested in myself and my dreams and came out on top.  I followed my gut instead of what my head was telling me I ought to do or think or believe and, drum roll, I have never been happier.  Gregory will attest to that (he’s also the source of the gorgeous rose in the photo).  I’m no longer sullen about my commute, or moaning about reading garbage, or the fact that I’ve got a jerk in my class.  I enjoy my days, enjoy spending time in my head, and pecking away at the keyboard whenever the muse strikes.  It is really quite wonderful.  

Now, I have a novel and one rejection under my belt.  I’ve started my second book, and have the ideas for two more brewing in my busy little brain.   It doesn’t get much better.

p.s.

I do believe, however, that the money is on its way.  I know in my heart that my book is good and special and worthy of publication.  Why?  Because I looked at the nitty-gritty of it the whole way through.  I also loved it, coddled it, and even hollered at it when it wasn’t on track.  As I’ve said before, we Sohns aren’t afraid to raise our voices.

I received my first rejection today.  The bummer part is that it wasn’t even a letter, just a mass printed 3 X 5 card paper clipped to my manuscript.

     Thank you for your inquiry.  We read it with interest, but the project described is not one we believe would fit into our current publishing plans.

     We cannot, therefore, encourage its submission, but we wish you the best of luck in placing it with the most appropriate publisher.

I wish it didn’t hurt to read it.  I feel sad, but not crying sad.  Bummed in a wouldn’t it have been great to have the first publisher I submitted to be the ONE?  Alas, it is not to be.  I am only left to wonder what it is to be, for life has the best poker face (and my friend Becky too – she’s good, very good). 

Now this is me envisioning myself as the man in the picture, breaking through the wall to the right publisher.  It’s bound to happen.  Oh yeah, that’s right…

 

Via Superhero Journal – What can you let go of in order to manifest that good thing in your life?

Having to understand everything.  Holy frijoles!  I become so incredibly bogged down by believing I need to have the answers.  Why must I know why something is happening instead of just observing that it is?   Why am I sick or healthy?  Why do I feel depressed or happy or angry or silly? 

Sure, it is nice to be aware and understand myself as a person, but sometimes it is so crippling that it prevents me from truly enjoying myself and actually living in the moment.  After all, this moment is the only one that is mine to experience, and then it’s gone. 

I can let go of needing to know the answers.  I can just be.  It feels good to see it in print. 

Something amazing happened to me the other day, mind blowing, wonderful kind of amazing.  I was finishing my yoga practice with a meditation before shavasana, something I don’t normally incorporate for reasons of time and laziness.

Anyway, as I was sitting there, listening to Shiva’s kind voice, I felt my body moving, only I didn’t feel like I was the one doing it.  It was just happening, smooth and effortless, a birch branch slowly oscillating in the breeze.   As I continued to move, I had this sensation of fullness, effervescence.  I could no longer tell where my body ended and the rest of the universe began.  In my closed eyes, I could see and feel billions of tiny bubbles of light pulsing and emanating to and from what I can only guess was the essence of all being: me, you, the sun, moon, and stars.

As you might imagine, it was exhilarating.  It brought me the greatest sense of joy, peace, and wonder, and the moment I became fully conscious of what was happening, I wanted it to continue, to watch where it might take me, but, of course, in this same moment, I made the connection back to my thinking mind, and it was over, leaving me with tiny traces of its perfection.

Thinking about it now, I feel a bit empty but in the most positive way.  Empty of pain, worry, suffering, and full of hope at the possibility of my life and our world.  Now I am sharing it with you.

Namaste…

Tags: ,

I love to find treasure.  Sometimes it is a perfectly formed pine cone.  Other times is is a leaf, a bird chirping, or the sight of the biggest, shiniest motorcycle kick stand.  Then there are the pennies.  I am thirty-six years old and still get jazzed when I find a penny.  If my husband happens to be around, I squeal with delight.  “Ooh looky Buddy (one of his pet names), a penny!”

He’s never nearly as enthusiastic about the penny, but does enjoy my reaction.  He loves seeing me happy and excited.  You see,  wonder and beauty and gifts are all around us.  We just have to keep our eyes open, pay attention, and feel the joy rise.

So, when I found this wonderful quotation, I thought, why I could have written this myself, so true is it to my view of the world.

“There are many things to see, unwrapped gifts and free surprises.  The world is fairly studded and strewn with pennies cast broadside by a generous hand.  But – and this is the point – who gets excited by a mere penny?  If you follow one arrow, if you crouch motionless on a bank to watch a tremulous ripple thrill on the water and are rewarded by the sight of a muskrat paddling from its den, will you count that sight a chip of copper only, and go on your rueful way?  It is dire poverty indeed when a man is so malnourished and fatigued that he won’t stoop to pick up a penny.  But if you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days.  It is that simple.  What you see is what you get.” 

Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

May you find your own treasure on this beautiful day…

« Older entries § Newer entries »