Remembering

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I awoke with a start Monday morning, 3:45 on the button. The vise grip of some dark apparition around my left arm. As someone with a very high tolerance for pain, I was more than peeved. I wriggled and stretched and rubbed and won that first round, drifting back to sleep after about an hour. When I rose, it had returned and gotten worse, even spreading to my shoulder and back. I felt nauseous and it became increasingly difficult to fill my lungs. Then I remembered the cheesy “Just a Little Heart Attack” video with Elizabeth Banks, and wondered if I could be having one.

I dialed the advice line quick-like, and the nurse, when I described everything, told me to get to the hospital, and pronto. “Do not take a shower!” So the hubster zip-zipped our golden chariot to the emergency room in record time. Upon my arrival, I got a wheelchair and EKG stickers in places I’d never have thought to check. Sure enough, my little heart was at a full gallop, and that damn vise was no looser on my left arm, either.

The nurse asked if there was any possibility it could be a panic attack, and to quote a recent callous observer of my life, “Colleen, you have no real problems.” I concurred, despite the fact that having no real problems does not equate with a lack of feelings, save in the observer, the biatch. Until my arm got ensnared by some unseen evil, I’d been pretty snazzy.

So, more tests. I got my blood expertly drawn, twice (no bruising!), a chest x-ray that made me feel like I’d stepped into the world of the Incredible Hulk, and, saving the best for last, an ultrasound of my left arm, because, dag-nabbit, it might smart like a heart attack but be a right and proper blood clot, for those run in the family.

And this is where I must make note of the idiosyncrasies of medical professionals. On Monday, the nurses who drew my blood complimented my good veins. “So plump I could stab it without looking.” The ultrasound tech, who joked that he learned to use the machine over lunch, said, “Wow, you image very well. Look at that valve!” Then I remembered back to my hysterectomy and my anesthesiologist uttering, “You have a beautiful spine. I would love to give it an epidural.” And, finally, the nurse who emptied my catheter bag, holding the pitcher of urine like a trophy, exclaimed, “You have beautiful pee!” It’s a different world.

And back to mine. Despite the excitement and wonder my body provided and the battery of tests and nearly six hours spent waiting and wondering, no single resolution was made. I, Colleen Sohn, remain a person without any real problems. For the sake of speculation and for someone somewhere to get a good chuckle, the likeliest source of my horrible pain? A trio of muscles, the left bicep, deltoid, and pec pulled while sleeping or applying body oil. Oh bother, and a whole week thrown off kilter.

Happy Friday!

 p.s. The photo is a detail of Richmond Burton’s “Echoing Green” at the Portland Art Museum. Pretty!

 

When I was in Denver, after every single visit with a friend or family member, in that very private place that was my rental car, I would cry. Sometimes they were tiny tears, stopped with a widening of the eyes and a deep sigh. Others were trickier, that salty-sweet spill on my lap and hands as I drove and sang to Radiohead or Iron & Wine. Worst, or best, actually, in hindsight, were the variety that came in a torrent, and I pulled the car to the side of the road while they did their work. I just saw someone special to me! They were right there and we hugged and laughed and talked until my throat was sore! So very many cough drops, my friends.

Then there were the times when the tears could not wait, like with Kelli when she was driving, or during lunch with Hef, and with my parents and grandparents, and when I caught my first glimpse of Wendy in the distance, the very first time since high school (that’s twenty-three years, math lovers).

Then I got home, standing at the curb at the airport, and the hubster pulled up with this light in his eyes, so happy to see me, and we hugged for the longest time before taking the long way home, so I could see the city I love a bit more slowly.

And the other day, to celebrate another year of Colleen Sohn on this marvelous planet circling the sun, I had friends over. We ate and drank and talked and talked. And they humbled me with straight from the heart kindness and thoughtful gifts, but mostly their warm presence in my life.

So the title. All of this makes me think of that story, and how there was enough and more from impossibly little. My life is like that. Every time I think there couldn’t be more kindness or love, someone shows me. Every time I think life couldn’t be more beautiful, flowers bloom. A friend calls. A bird sings. A cat purrs. The hubster smiles. Music plays. I round the bend and there is the Saint John’s Bridge.

Shining examples of how good it all is.

 

Truth

When I was in Denver, I stayed with my grandparents (who live in Lakewood, actually), and during the off-times when I wasn’t singing while driving from one happy reunion to another (so great to see everyone!), I sorted through photographs: boxes, envelopes, and willy-nilly stashes. Events and places and people I love lay in neat stacks and crazy piles, capturing various times of our lives, some surprising, some sad, and nearly all sweet.

Of course, my eye lingered longer on those of me and my growing-up days, enjoying anew the moments that have completely vanished from my memory, like running naked in my grandparents’ yard, holding a favorite doll, or crying at my brother’s first birthday party (who knows why?); conjuring other memories that are now just a glimmer, long days spent swimming at Lake Arbor Pool or playing on the jungle gym, tow-headed with summer skin. Then I came to the picture above and was struck, as if by lightening, my circuitry rerouted in one earth-shattering instant.

For nearly all of my youth, someone very close to me called me ugly and every version of FAT imaginable, nearly every single day. After hearing no evidence to the contrary, having crooked teeth (since fixed with braces as an adult), and weighing more than my torturer, I came to believe it. It was reinforced by others, too, strangers, friends, and relatives, who would say I might be prettier if my teeth were straight or if I were skinnier, like those other girls everyone chased after.

I was not the chase-after type. I generally did the chasing and talking and rabble-rousing. I saw no point in standing aside, pretending, or holding back. I was front and center in my likes and find this even more true as I grow older. No surprise there, I should think. Life is short but way too long to put up with other people’s shenanigans and hateful opinions. Seriously.

So when I saw the photo, smiling in my Shaun Cassidy t-shirt, long and lean limbs in denim shorts, my tectonic plates shifted, and so did the truth of my past. It was like meeting someone for the very first time, someone I thought I knew but really didn’t. For that younger me was neither fat nor ugly, but cute and kinda rocked her pseudo-Dorothy Hamill haircut. I cried at the knowledge it brought me and then called the hubster, excited at the discovery and grateful, too, that he’d always seen me that way.

Then I thought of the quotation from Soren Kierkegaard I posted a couple of weeks ago, “…only the truth that builds up is truth for you.” I needed to build that truth up for myself, brick by brick, before it was truly mine, indivisible from the architecture of my soul.

Twenty-one years since our first date.

Crossing a threshold, more years together than not.

We talk and dream and laugh

and sometimes cry.

We ache and burn and soothe.

We hear though sometimes we do not listen

and want to throttle and curse

and laugh again.

We shower one another with kisses

and words whispered in lust

and LOVE

and hearts full

of everything and everyone we’ve ever been,

together.

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This morning, I awoke twice. The first to two cats in a skirmish over the territory that is our south yard, hollering and screeching, and generally being quite loud. We opened the window and they ran off, saving their scrapping for another hour, preferably when the neighborhood is fully awake and better able to ignore them.

The second was to the blissful sound of rain on the roof and a flood of memories. We spent last night in the guest room, hoping to avoid a repeat of the previous evening. It was windy, I daresay violently so, with all kinds of debris being tossed about and trees whipping and causing us both to have the worst possible dreams. The guest room is a sanctuary, a double bed in a cozy blanket of quiet and on the second floor, under the slope of our red roof. If you ever come to stay, you’ll be amazed at the sleep you have. Perhaps it is something about the hue on the walls, the way you settle into the mattress, or the weight of the down comforter; I’m not sure, but there is something very powerful happening there, making even insomniacs sleep like the dead.

I slept like a child, my back pressing sweetly against the hubster’s, and enjoyed much better dreams, though I do not recall them. When I awoke to the rain, events from our honeymoon, nearly nineteen years ago, came in a lovely torrent. When we met, I was planning a trip to Europe, two months of backpacks on trains and cheap hotels. Once I decided the hubster was a keeper, I asked him along. Then one thing led to another, and it became our honeymoon. We went to England, France, Spain, Italy, Switzerland, Germany, Sweden, and Finland, one of the greatest experiences of my life, to be sure.

My first memory was from the end of our voyage, in Wurzburg (sorry for the lack of an umlaut), Germany. We arrived late in the day, just as everything was closing, and as experience had taught us over the past months, we knew to buy food. There was very little to be had, some cheese and a small loaf of bread that was as dark and heavy as a bowling ball, though it probably tasted slightly better. With that in hand, we found our hotel (I just found it again(!), and it looks exactly the same: Pension Siegel). They didn’t have a double the first night, so we took two single rooms down the hall from each other. Each was very small and sweet and under a dormer, with fluffy down comforters folded in a neat rectangle over the top. I slept like a baby there, too, awoke happy, to rain on the roof, and a marvelous breakfast, which, as it happens, they still serve: hard boiled eggs, toast, bread, plain yogurt (the best I’d ever had up to that point), coffee, juice, assorted jams and jellies, and Nutella. Heaven, and probably why I am such a fan of the breakfast bord at Broder.

My next memory was of Segovia, Spain. The hubster and I, despite our marital status, looked quite young, and the very Catholic woman who ran the little hotel did not want to give us a room together, for surely these loose Americans were trying to pull the wool over her eyes. We smiled and pleaded and showed her our wedding rings. She said something incomprehensible in Spanish and wagged her finger at us before finally relenting. She escorted us to a room with two twin beds that, with a flourish, she shoved together. She then made a point to adjust the crucifix on the wall before kicking us out, so she could have her siesta in peace. We wandered, wishing for our own siesta, and found a tiny market where we bought queso con gambas and ate it on a bench near the aqueduct, laughing at the beauty and absurdity of it all.

My final memory is of Tours, France. After a very long day of riding rented bicycles to see castles:Langeais, Viillandry, Luynes, we ate a discounted bag of pain aux raisins (yum!) and drifted off to sleep. Sometime during the night there was quite a commotion, so we went to the window to look. There was thunder and lightning, as we’d expected, but there were also scores of tanks and jeeps rolling down the street, like we’d journeyed back in time. C’est la guerre! Were it not for the fact that we were both at the window, alive and very much awake, we might have thought it was some potent dream, though it does remain a mystery.

It’s funny the ways I carry these memories, or any memory, really. Some are so close and need only the slightest spark to dance before my eyes. Others are like rare treasure, which require a map, compass, and a certain mental acuity before digging scores of holes to find the tiniest of fragments that need further assembly. Either way, I am glad for them, glad I’ve so many, and that, if needed, I can utter the words queso con gambas, take a bite of sturdy bread or pain aux raisins and be twenty-two again, short haired and cross-legged on a hotel bed, and dreaming of a beautiful future with the hubster. Life is good.

 

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